Category Archives: Humor

Realtor Candy Hearts

You know what I’m talking about. Those pastel-colored heart-shaped sugar lumps stamped with blurry all-caps hashtag-able messages:

BEAR HUG
CLOUD NINE
BE MINE
MY STAR
BEES KNEES

I want the real estate advertisement set.

NEW ON MKT
PANO VU
REDUCED
JUST SOLD
EXCLUSIVE

Or the escrow and lending set.

EARNEST $
COE
WIRE FRAUD
SIGN MY DOC
NO POINTS

Or the real estate/Valentines hybrid with sentiments appropriate for both property-marketing or online-dating purposes.

BE MINE
FALL IN LOVE
PRICELESS
I’M YOURS
JUST LISTED

Or the slightly risqué real estate/Valentine hybrid

MOVE IN
INITIAL DEPOSIT
WET SIGNATURE
ONE OWNER
BIG DECK

Please be my Valentine and send me your favorite candy-heart inscriptions! I’d love to do a follow-up to this post and list them there.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

The Nesting Urge

Wise Broker: The nesting urge is strong with this one.

New Sales Associate: How can you tell, oh Broker With Many Designations?

Wise Broker: The signs are many and certain. So we now may name her according to our tradition.

New Sales Associate: By what name would you call her, oh Great GRI Possessor?

Wise Broker: She Who Must Close Escrow By Next Tuesday Or Else. She Who Cannot Choose Between Pastel Yellow and Pastel Green For The Second Bedroom. She Who Travels Many Miles Per Week To Bed, Bath and Beyond For Safety 1st Products.

New Sales Associate: I see, oh Magnificent Managerial One. Tell me, what are the certain signs that you see!

Wise Broker: Two moons have passed since the time of the co-ed shower. No empty signups remain on her Meal Train. Plentiful hooks and shelves are to be erected in the storage room. Full inspections have been made for mold, lead and asbestos, even though the property is only one year old.

New Sales Associate: Are there other signifiers, oh Watcher Of The Company’s Bottom Line?

Wise Broker: Behold how the doula’s phone number is on speed dial. See how the worry lines in her mate’s brow have etched deep like the streams swollen with spring runoff.

New Sales Associate: Can you say, Counselor of Real Estate, which of these men is her mate?

Wise Broker: He who cannot be missed. He is the one who stands three steps behind She Who Pees Every Hour as they do the official walk through.

New Sales Associate: And what is this deferential one called, Former Tennis Pro Turned Realtor?

Wise Broker: Of his many names, these three are best. He Who Speaks Encouragingly As Their Coach Has Instructed. He Who Has No Clue What’s In Store Next. He Who Worries About Paying The Mortgage Now That There Will Only Be One Income.

New Sales Associate: I bow to you, Wise Broker. Your vast knowledge is truly astonishing. How did you come to possess this great wisdom?

Wise Broker: Are you kidding, Rookie Realtor? That part was easy. She is — as you will see when she turns sideways – nearly nine months pregnant.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

Catering to the Client

The job experience that best prepared me for a future as a Realtor was the year I spent working for a caterer in the resort town of Sun Valley, Idaho.

During that stint, I filled every available role except accounting and planning. I did shopping, ordering, recipe research, food prep and rental management. I worked as server, hostess, cocktail waitress, dishwasher, cook, busboy, sommelier and buckwheat crepe maker.

My boss Susan ran her business out of her house a few miles south of town. In the winter months, her garage served as walk-in cooler and freezer. Especially between Thanksgiving and New Year’s when we had at least one and sometimes three or four parties every day. I’d arrive at Susan’s before breakfast and work all day and night, pausing only to change out of my cooking clothes and into my waiting clothes.

I learned how to be adaptive, attentive and ready to do whatever odd task was essential. That might mean inspecting freshly killed ducks for shotgun pellets. Or putting a client’s kids to bed because the babysitter was a no-show. Or delivering pumpkin pies in a snowstorm.

I particularly recall a New Year’s Eve gig for a famous Motown diva who was wintering in a large and lavish ski “cabin” near Dollar Mountain. She wanted goose with all the trimmings for dinner, followed by brunch the next day. For 50 of her closest friends.

The Wood River Valley was experiencing a cold snap. Cold enough that we’d been chilling wine all week by just setting it outside for half an hour. Cold enough that Susan’s old Suburban wouldn’t start unless it had been plugged into an engine heater. Cold enough that we had to figure out how to safely defrost six frozen (plastic-sealed) geese that had been stored in a snow bank on the shady side of the house.

The solution was to put them in Susan’s bathtub, with some cold water, where they would gradually thaw without blooming with salmonella. It was the only bathroom in the house and the geese needed to defrost for at least 24 hours.

On the day before the diva’s party, I spent the morning prepping bouillabaisse for 100 – up to my elbows in fish and garlic and grossed out from all the shrimp deveining I’d done. It was imperative that I shower before heading out to tend bar and serve food.

So I ended up taking a cold shower while straddling the cold geese in Susan’s cold tub in cold water up over my cold ankles.

And while my job as a Realtor can be quite lovely and even glamorous, there are always times when I have to improvise and do the job nobody else wants to do: Use a paper clip to unlock the bedroom door where an open-house visitor has inadvertently trapped the tenants’ cats. Clean up raccoon poop from the tradesway. Persuade a homeless person to find another doorway to sleep in. Unclog a commode. Shine up a splattered kitchen faucet using toilet paper. Put an onion in the oven to mask last night’s fish smell.

Whatever it takes. Whatever is needed. I know how to cater, and I can shower with frozen geese.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

Small Pleasures

If you’ve lived or listed property in a doorman building, you know all about the culture of full-service living. You probably have your own story (or stories).

Mine today concerns a stunning listing that I had on (and off) the market over about nine months. In other words, it took as long to find our perfect buyer as it takes to grow a new human. Yet – after sampling all the proverbial porridge available in similar buildings – our “Goldilocks” finally turned up and made a satisfactory offer.

This stock-cooperative had an exceptional door staff. The doormen (all were male) saw me in and out of the building at all times of day, in all kinds of weather, accompanied by all sorts of agents and buyers. I got to know them, and grew to like them.

Three of them had watched the door for 40, 30 and 20 years, respectively. Of those three, two consistently greeted me cheerfully by name. One always put an extra flourish on the last syllable of my name: Cynthi-AH.

But the most seasoned doorman – let’s call him Bob – never chitchatted or spoke my name. He performed his duties solemnly and formally. Every time I entered, it was as if he’d never seen me before: Which unit was I there to see? Did I already have a key? Would I sign the guest book?

Despite my concerted effort to bring a smile to his face, I never saw the corners of his mouth lift even a micro-inch.

Until the day we closed. In a last ditch attempt to get Bob to crack (and because I wanted to thank the entire staff) I personally delivered an expensive, large and gorgeously girly strawberry cake. Bob greeted me soberly, and waved me over to the podium to – once again – sign and date the guest book.

Beaming at the audaciousness of my gift, I proffered the cake. At first Bob just stared at the pink confection like he’d never seen a desert before. But when I explained it was for him and the crew, he broke into a big grin and laughed and squeezed my arm.

It made my day.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

Real Estate Sells Itself

You know that full-page splashy four-color ad your agent paid for? Inside the front cover of Luxury Real Estate Rag? With the dramatic twilight image of your three-bedroom bungalow? With the adroit description of its stunning floor plan and unique window mullions? The one that never fails to melt your heart no matter how many times you read it?

It doesn’t actually attract buyers for your actual house. Seriously. Instead, it:

  • Assuages your fear that your Realtor isn’t doing enough to market your home
  • Irritates other agents who pitched your listing but didn’t get it.
  • Gives folks something to peruse while waiting for their lattes at Peet’s
  • Keeps the Luxury Real Estate Rag afloat
  • Prompts other potential sellers to contact your agent
  • Offers Looky-Lous and never-will-buy buyers something to talk about

This has always been the case in San Francisco, whether it’s Print or Web advertising. Real estate marketing is mainly about agent branding and agent promotion.

What gets a property sold is its inherent desirability coupled with correct pricing, strategic presentation, availability to be seen and inclusion on Multiple Listing Service. Everything else is pretty much window dressing on which every successful Realtor spend considerable time and money.

You may assume that – like Snapchat and teenagers – sales and marketing go together. Can one exist without the other? Yes! When it comes to real estate sales.

Real estate sells itself. With very few exceptions, a property either meets a buyer’s hopes and expectations or it doesn’t

In San Francisco, where there’s never much for sale, prospective buyers’ energies are spent watching MLS updates – and their feeds to various websites – like Sylvester the Cat. Any changes in or around the canary cage and the buyer is poised to pounce.

This is just another way in which real estate is not really about real estate. It’s about primal human needs like food and sanctuary. The motivated buyer seeks shelter. If your cave is available for occupancy and reasonably priced, buyers will hunt it down and make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com.

Realtor Haikus: Taking The Form To A New Level

Should I stage or not?
Is this even a question?
Look at sold photos.

~

Title insurance,
is it something I MUST buy?
Everyone says so.

~

Market is shifting.
Seller says, “offers as they come.”
At showings, shoes on!

~

Signing loan papers
as her attorney in fact,
his wrist is worn out.

~

How many square feet?
It’s quite unclear! Play it safe.
Underestimate.

~

Help out your painter.
Don’t make him guess the color.
Label your paint cans.

~

It only leaked once
in a heavy sideways rain.
Still, you must disclose!

~

Don’t get me started:
Way too many acronyms!
Please sign this AVID?

~

Tax year calendar:
July first to June thirty
first. Let me explain.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This post was also shared at McGuire.com.

Outdoors San Francisco for the Non-Outdoorsy

I can relate: Your friends are all like “Hey, let’s hike up Mt. Tam and then run over to Sol Food for Cubanos and Ponches.”

And you’re all like you don’t want to drive across the bridge and crawl through west Marin and get all hot and sweaty and wait in line for food  and then fight traffic INTO the city on a Saturday night when you could just stay home on the sofa.

You don’t particularly like the great outdoors. I confess that I didn’t either, until I was in my late 30s. So here are a few tips for face-saving things to do IN THE CITY with your outdoorsy friends.

Bearish (as in Polar) in the Bay

You: Walk to the end of the pier at Aquatic Park. Look for seals, sea lions, other wildlife.

They: Drop in as guests at the Dolphin Club or the South End Rowing Club (depending on which club is open to public that day). Swim in the (most recently) 58-degree water. Meet you at Buena Vista Café for Irish Coffees.

Continue reading Outdoors San Francisco for the Non-Outdoorsy

20090115_0730. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Snowflake_-_Microphotograph_by_artgeek.jpg#/media/File:Snowflake_-_Microphotograph_by_artgeek.jpg

Merry and Bright. And White.

You might think you’re in heaven. OR some Hollywood version of it. Like at any moment Morgan Freeman will invite you to choose your harp, pull up a cloud and start plucking.

Or you might think you’re in an Apple store. Reaching blindly for your sunglasses in order to mitigate the bright, shiny, squeaky clean, sci-fi-spaceship environment.

Naturally, this current San Francisco home décor trend is most clearly displayed in the kitchen. It’s the heart of any home and the room that speaks loudest about its inhabitants’ taste and style.

In the early 80s we got “European” cabinetry. Off-white matte cabinet faces with a plain oak strip like a Scrabble easel at the bottom.

In the late 80s and early 90s everything became pickled, “distressed” and colored in pleasing pastels of baby blue, fresh peach and nursery pink.

In the years astride the Millennium, we saw a resurgence of hominess: Maple or cherry cabinets with Shaker lines, hulking KitchenAid mixers, and Wolf ranges so big you could roast your grandmother.

Over those decades, walls went from off-white to pale lilac to heritage golds and reds. And now? My house-painter partner hasn’t had to do much color matching over the last two years. It’s been a matter of WHICH WHITE –Simply White, Super White, Moonlight White, Linen White, Ultra Pure White, Alpine White or Frostline.

And why white? Some say it reflects the tech buyer’s conscious (or subconscious) preference to eliminate the distinction between life at work and life at home. White walls, white cabinets and white Carrera marble on a 10-foot long island that mimics a jumbo conference table.

Add nano windows and some wide-plank oak floors, and you’ve got a style so popular and au courant it’ll be passé faster than you can say “bubble.”

I can hear it now. My 2020 buyers will sigh and start doing the math. “Oh, well,” they’ll say, “The basic plan is okay. If we can get it at the right price, we can afford to remodel in a couple of years.”

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

"Platt brunch" by Japanexperterna. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Platt_brunch.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Platt_brunch.jpg

Query: House Flipping

"Platt brunch" by Japanexperterna. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Platt_brunch.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Platt_brunch.jpg

Q: How do I flip Houses?

A: With much more care than flipping a pancake, a pursuit which requires just the right balance of providence and panache. And — as with hotcakes — you must always be ready to accept a flop. Especially in San Francisco where the griddle is especially hot. What’s not required is the use of silly breakfast bread metaphors.

…Although…as I sit here re-posting what I wrote on Quora, I think I should add a few metaphors about staging a house in order to sell it after you’ve fluffed it up. If you want the property to sell like hotcakes, then you must present it in an appealing fashion.

That means hiring a professional stager who’ll gussy it up like a plate at Mission Beach Cafe. Make it look like the real-estate equivalent of a $15 short stack: Fresh fruit garnish, hot maple syrup, a pat of butter melting on top, a side of bacon, maybe a wee vase of fresh nasturtiums on the table.

Yum. More coffee, please?

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com.

The Olfactory Factor

Staging is for ALL the senses. Quote me: “If you can smell it, you can’t sell it.” And this includes “positive” odors because the human olfactory system is so strongly tied to emotional reactions.

You might assume that the odor of freshly baked cookies evokes a “smells-like-home-so-show-me-where-to-sign” response in buyers. But your cash-toting multi-millionaire millennial may, in fact, have an aversion to cinnamon or vanilla or any of Mrs. Meyer’s nasal-raiding fragrances. Better to keep it clean and neutral.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.