Category Archives: Humor

Outdoors San Francisco for the Non-Outdoorsy

I can relate: Your friends are all like “Hey, let’s hike up Mt. Tam and then run over to Sol Food for Cubanos and Ponches.”

And you’re all like you don’t want to drive across the bridge and crawl through west Marin and get all hot and sweaty and wait in line for food  and then fight traffic INTO the city on a Saturday night when you could just stay home on the sofa.

You don’t particularly like the great outdoors. I confess that I didn’t either, until I was in my late 30s. So here are a few tips for face-saving things to do IN THE CITY with your outdoorsy friends.

Bearish (as in Polar) in the Bay

You: Walk to the end of the pier at Aquatic Park. Look for seals, sea lions, other wildlife.

They: Drop in as guests at the Dolphin Club or the South End Rowing Club (depending on which club is open to public that day). Swim in the (most recently) 58-degree water. Meet you at Buena Vista Café for Irish Coffees.

Continue reading Outdoors San Francisco for the Non-Outdoorsy

20090115_0730. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Commons - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Snowflake_-_Microphotograph_by_artgeek.jpg#/media/File:Snowflake_-_Microphotograph_by_artgeek.jpg

Merry and Bright. And White.

You might think you’re in heaven. OR some Hollywood version of it. Like at any moment Morgan Freeman will invite you to choose your harp, pull up a cloud and start plucking.

Or you might think you’re in an Apple store. Reaching blindly for your sunglasses in order to mitigate the bright, shiny, squeaky clean, sci-fi-spaceship environment.

Naturally, this current San Francisco home décor trend is most clearly displayed in the kitchen. It’s the heart of any home and the room that speaks loudest about its inhabitants’ taste and style.

In the early 80s we got “European” cabinetry. Off-white matte cabinet faces with a plain oak strip like a Scrabble easel at the bottom.

In the late 80s and early 90s everything became pickled, “distressed” and colored in pleasing pastels of baby blue, fresh peach and nursery pink.

In the years astride the Millennium, we saw a resurgence of hominess: Maple or cherry cabinets with Shaker lines, hulking KitchenAid mixers, and Wolf ranges so big you could roast your grandmother.

Over those decades, walls went from off-white to pale lilac to heritage golds and reds. And now? My house-painter partner hasn’t had to do much color matching over the last two years. It’s been a matter of WHICH WHITE –Simply White, Super White, Moonlight White, Linen White, Ultra Pure White, Alpine White or Frostline.

And why white? Some say it reflects the tech buyer’s conscious (or subconscious) preference to eliminate the distinction between life at work and life at home. White walls, white cabinets and white Carrera marble on a 10-foot long island that mimics a jumbo conference table.

Add nano windows and some wide-plank oak floors, and you’ve got a style so popular and au courant it’ll be passé faster than you can say “bubble.”

I can hear it now. My 2020 buyers will sigh and start doing the math. “Oh, well,” they’ll say, “The basic plan is okay. If we can get it at the right price, we can afford to remodel in a couple of years.”

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

"Platt brunch" by Japanexperterna. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Platt_brunch.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Platt_brunch.jpg

Query: House Flipping

"Platt brunch" by Japanexperterna. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Platt_brunch.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Platt_brunch.jpg

Q: How do I flip Houses?

A: With much more care than flipping a pancake, a pursuit which requires just the right balance of providence and panache. And — as with hotcakes — you must always be ready to accept a flop. Especially in San Francisco where the griddle is especially hot. What’s not required is the use of silly breakfast bread metaphors.

…Although…as I sit here re-posting what I wrote on Quora, I think I should add a few metaphors about staging a house in order to sell it after you’ve fluffed it up. If you want the property to sell like hotcakes, then you must present it in an appealing fashion.

That means hiring a professional stager who’ll gussy it up like a plate at Mission Beach Cafe. Make it look like the real-estate equivalent of a $15 short stack: Fresh fruit garnish, hot maple syrup, a pat of butter melting on top, a side of bacon, maybe a wee vase of fresh nasturtiums on the table.

Yum. More coffee, please?

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com.

The Olfactory Factor

Staging is for ALL the senses. Quote me: “If you can smell it, you can’t sell it.” And this includes “positive” odors because the human olfactory system is so strongly tied to emotional reactions.

You might assume that the odor of freshly baked cookies evokes a “smells-like-home-so-show-me-where-to-sign” response in buyers. But your cash-toting multi-millionaire millennial may, in fact, have an aversion to cinnamon or vanilla or any of Mrs. Meyer’s nasal-raiding fragrances. Better to keep it clean and neutral.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com.

Open House “Boring” Says 7-Year-Old

"unknown," posted on http://katiapellicciotta.blogspot.com
“unknown,” posted on http://katiapellicciotta.blogspot.com

I’m quite familiar with the look.

Sometimes it says, “How dare you show this property and let my parents drag me to umpteen open houses on Sunday afternoon when I’d rather be playing with my toys?”

Or it says, “Please don’t let them buy this condo because I hated it the instant we walked in. I want a blue house.”

Or it’s something like this, “I can see you’re as trapped as me. You have to stand here and be nice and greet everyone and you can’t leave until 4 o’clock. And I have to come in and look around and not touch anything and I can’t leave until they say it’s okay. Since we’re both stuck here, have you anything to offer me in the way of refreshment or entertainment?”

Or maybe, “You might fool my parents with your friendliness, but you can’t fool me. Stand back three feet or I’ll start screaming.”

Don’t get me wrong. I love kids. (I even raised two myself.) But children coming through the front door of an open house can be as nervous-making as an unsteady high-heeled matron holding a latte in one hand and a shih tzu in the other while navigating the white-carpeted stairs.

You never know what you’re going to get, including:

  • Serious disruption of staging – vases smashed into smithereens, chess pieces sent down the toilet, pillows thrown out the window.
  • Nasty messes – unflushed number twos hiding in the powder room, newly planted impatiens wrenched from the ground, every glass surface streaked with yogurt paws.
  • Pandemonium – door slamming, stair running, door locking, cat chasing, crying, biting and violent pulling on parental arms just as they’re about to request your business card.

I prefer quiet children who tell their folks to get lost while they sit on the front steps with me. Like Maizy, a seven-year-old who attended my last open house.

Maizy: Do you live here?

Me: No. I am the real estate agent. I am showing the house for the owners.

Maizy: Do you like this house?

Me: Yes. I think it’s a terrific house. How about you?

Maizy: I guess so. I like our old house better but Mommy says we need more room for my baby brother.

Me: I bet you’re a great big sister. Is it fun being a big sister?

Maizy: (puzzling her lips together and to one side) No. He’s pretty boring. But he’s still little. Do you have some candy?

Me: No. I might have some Altoids.

Maizy: I like Altoids.

Me: Is it okay with your parents for you to have an Altoid?

Maizy: Oh, yes, of course it’s okay. They let me have Altoids all the time.

Me: (offering the Altoids tin) Here you go. Help yourself.

Maizy: Thank you. This is so boring.

Me: Yes, I know what you mean.

Maizy: Are you bored? I thought grownups didn’t mind boring things.

Me: Well, perhaps not as much as kids mind them.

Maizy: I don’t want to be a grownup.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. This article was re-posted at McGuire.com and on Undermom.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Things Smart Buyers Look For in a Home

cat in doorway

If you’re listing your home for sale, keep this list in mind. When I’m representing buyers, I’m always on the lookout for a “run-don’t-walk” property which…

  1. Is vacant and unstaged.
  2. Does not have a dedicated website.
  3. Is listed by an out-of-town broker.
  4. Has one grainy photo on MLS (or no photo).
  5. Doesn’t appear on MLS at all.
  6. Is shown on lockbox.
  7. Is asking $50,000 more than the most recent comparable.
  8. Isn’t listed on broker’s tour.
  9. Advertises “offers as they come.”
  10. Smells like a cat has been peeing on the carpet over in the corner.

Such a dream-come-true property is hard to find, but the search is well worth it.

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com.

Spoiler Alert: Stop Reading if You’re New to San Francisco

Not for sale: Mark Twain's "Stormfield"
Not for sale: Mark Twain’s “Stormfield”

Turns out Mark Twain never actually said that cool thing about summer in San Francisco being the coldest winter ever. I was going to use the quote on my blog today but when I checked its accuracy, up popped a Snopes link to quash my clever intro.

Twain did sorta say something about summer in Paris and he definitely wrote, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.” But nary a word did he pen about our cool grey city’s climate.

It’s the second half of August and – although I live on what is arguably the sunniest block in the whole dadgum town – I’ve been wearing wool since June. If you’re a local you understand why I’ve been wearing wool. Just as you understand why nobody has air conditioning and why those beyond-ugly $50 sweatshirts from Pier 39 are so popular with tourists.

(Ixnay on the weatshirtsay if anyone asks! Do your bit to keep our economy going!)

Spoiler Alert (if you’re newly local and this is your first time through a whole San Francisco calendar year): Summer starts in 10 days.

The bad news is that vacation is over and it’s back to school for you kids and parents. The good news is it’s prime selling season for San Francisco residential real estate. See you soon at an open house near you!

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com.

Story: The Cat

http://www.miskatonic.com/
Photo by David Corby

“It’s fine, but remember The Cat is in the house,” said my seller Y, when I asked if I could show her condo that day on short notice.

I laughed at Y’s intonation. She sing-songed her answer like a rapper: The Cat is in the house, y’all.

That humor would’ve been lost on her pet because if The Cat were an audiophile, she would prefer Mantovani to Macklemore. A senior citizen among felines, she was overly ancient. Extra old. Like 300 cat years old.

When I first met The Cat, I knelt down to greet said bag o’ fur. Y cautioned me sternly, “Don’t touch her. She’s mean!” And, indeed, the shabby tabby began hissing and swiping at the air. I jumped back just in the nick of time.

I ended up logging quite a few hours alone with The Cat during open houses, appointments and inspections. I warned the photographer, the pest inspector, the window washer, various agents and numerous animal-loving customers to keep their distance.

But would they listen? No! All these folks fancied themselves to be cat whisperers.

Me: Watch out, The Cat is viscious.

Visitor: (advancing toward The Cat with bare arm outstretched, fingers waving like seaweed) Nice kitty. Nice kitty. Aw, whatsa matter? Nice, nice. There now. You’re not so ferocious! Who loves the puss? Who wuvves de widdle kiddy. Who? Oh shit! (screaming)

Me: You don’t seem to be bleeding too badly. (rummaging through medicine cabinet for hydrogen peroxide and Band-Aids)

And so it went. With each successive visit, The Cat became bolder. Initially, The Cat hid under a bed. After a week, The Cat would hiss at me from atop the entry stairs. Eventually, The Cat would be lurking just inside the condo door.

This made me very nervous. Nervous The Cat would attack me. Nervous The Cat would attack someone else. Nervous The Cat would escape as soon as I cracked open the front door.

I expressed my concerns to Y. She said, “Don’t worry too much. It wouldn’t be your fault if she ran away. Just bring me an offer.”

Cynthia Cummins is a Top Producer and Partner at McGuire. For info on SF real estate visit http://CynthiaCummins.com. I posted an earlier version of this entry at McGuire.com in 2010.