Reading time: 2 minutes

Features exuding luxury and charm. Amenities acting like royalty. Rooms doing all sorts of boasting. European feelings everywhere.  Public landmarks gazing over this or that. Closets, garages and master bedrooms being generous.

Lest you think I’m belittling my fellow Realtors’ writing skills, please know I’m being silly rather than snarky. I’m under deadline to finish this blog post. So, in order to make it easier, I’m writing for my own amusement. (And possibly for yours.)

In the real estate business we have a lot of describing to do and there are only so many words for the job. Nobody tells aspiring agents that a Thesaurus is an essential tool of the trade. There’s not a licensing requirement for writing proficiency. And never did I imagine I’d grow so desperately sick of and amused by the same ol’ superlative adjectives.

Realtors have to write so much so fast, it’s no wonder that the copy is consistently melodramatic and the syntax suspect. For your reading pleasure, I offer some excerpts from descriptions of San Francisco properties currently listed for sale.

“…embodies the dreamy West San Francisco lifestyle…”

Is this because the lifestyle in East San Francisco isn’t so dreamy?

“…legendary views of the Golden Gate Bridge under the gaze of Coit Tower.”

Coit Tower is watchful and never sleeps.

“Enchanting European feeling in unique and private secret, park-like setting, with south garden.”

I had a feeling I might find a European feeling in this garden.

“Commandingly sited as one of the highest apartments on Russian Hill…”

Huh?

“The finest finishes and every amenity rule.”

Come again?

“…the rarity of this property sale is a generational opportunity for connoisseurs of fine residences.”

What exactly is a generational opportunity?

“Tucked at the end of a cul-de-sac with beautiful hardwood floors…”

Even in San Francisco, the streets aren’t paved with hardwood.

“…the main level is perfect for entertaining large groups of people or quiet evenings, alike.”

Honey, I invited a couple of quiet evenings over for your birthday.

“Very well maintained creative commercial building,…”

Perhaps due to its liberal arts education.

“Ideally located near Huntington Park to walk the doggie, the Grace Cathedral…”

I’d like to take the Grace Cathedral for a walk.

 You get the drift. Please, if you notice any goodies while you’re scrolling through Zillow will you consider sharing them with me? I need some new adjectives.

Author and RealEstateTherapy curator Cynthia Cummins has been devoted to homeowners and homebuyers for three decades and counting. Visit KindredSFhomes.com for more information on San Francisco real estate.